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One Addict’s Experience with Acceptance, Faith,
and Commitment
When I came on
the NA program I had identified my problem—I had the desire to stop
using, but couldn’t see how. Due to the nature of addiction my whole
personality was geared toward getting, using, and finding ways and means
to get more. All of my personality traits reinforced this obsession
with self. Totally self-centered, I tried to manage my life by
manipulating people and circumstances to my advantage. I had lost all
control. Obsession forced me to use drugs repeatedly, against my will,
knowing that it was self-destructive, and against my basic instinct for
survival. Insane, and feeling hopelessly helpless, I gave up fighting,
and accepted that I was an addict—that my life was totally unmanageable,
and that I was powerless over the disease. My willpower could not
change my diseased body that craved drugs compulsively. My self-control
could not change my diseased mind, obsessed with the idea of using mood
changers to escape reality. Nor could my highest ideals change my
diseased spirit—cunning, insidious, and totally self-centered. As soon
as I was able to accept the reality of my powerlessness, I no longer
needed to use drugs. This acceptance of my condition—my powerlessness
over addiction and the unmanageability of my life—was the key to my
recovery.
With the help of the recovering addicts at NA meetings, I abstained—a
minute, an hour, a day at a time. I still wanted to get high. Life
felt intolerable without drugs. Giving up left me feeling even more
hopeless than before, and, to cope, my mind told me to use drugs again.
Acceptance of my powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life left
me needing a power stronger than my disease to change my
self-destructive nature. The people I met at meetings told me they had
found a power greater than their addiction in the NA program. These
people had been clean for months or years and didn’t even want to use
any more. They told me that I could lose the desire to use drugs by
living the NA program. I had no choice but to believe them. I had
tried doctors, psychiatrists, hospitals, mental institutions, job
changes, marriages, divorces; all had failed. It seemed hopeless, but
in NA I saw hope. I met addicts recovering from their disease. I came
to believe I could learn how to live without drugs. In NA, I found the
faith I needed to begin to change.
At that point I had stopped using drugs, and reluctantly believed that I
could continue to abstain. I still thought and felt like an addict, I
just didn’t use drugs. My personality and character were the same as
they had always been. Everything about me reinforced my
self-destructiveness. I needed to change or I would start to use
again. I had accepted my condition, and believed that I could recover.
In order to do so, I had to make a total commitment to the spiritual
principles of the NA program.
With the help of my sponsor, I decided to turn my life and my will over
to God, as I understood God. For me, this was a turning point. This
decision demanded continued acceptance, ever-increasing faith, and a
daily commitment to recovery. The decision to turn my life and will
over to God required that I find out about myself and actively try to
change my ways of coping with reality. This commitment brought honesty
into my life. This is how the NA program works for me: I accept my
disease, develop a faith that the program can change me, and make a
commitment to the spiritual principles of recovery.
Action is now required. If I don’t change, I will be miserable and
return to using drugs. The actions suggested by the NA program can
change my personality and character. I honestly examine myself, writing
down what I have done and how I have felt. I reveal myself completely
to my God, and to another human being, telling all of my most secret
fears, angers, and resentments. By doing these things, the past no
longer has control over my life, and I am freed to live up to my ideals
today. I begin to behave differently, and become ready to be changed by
my God into the sort of person He wants me to be.
I have begun to develop a reasonable self-image, based in reality, by
asking to be relieved of my shortcomings.
By amending the wrongs I have done to other people, I have learned how
to forgive myself and others.
I review my behavior regularly and correct my mistakes as soon as
possible. I am continually developing and expanding trust and faith in
spiritual principles. I give to others, sharing myself, and our
program, and try to live the principles that I learned. These Twelve
Steps have allowed me to stop using, have taken away the desire to use,
and have given me a new way of life.
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