| My name is Margie and I
am coming up on sixteen years clean.
Arriving at the spiritual
understanding I have today took me a long time. My first introduction
to spirituality was as a child. I attended Sunday school at my family’s
church, but never had any inclination to follow that religious path.
By the time I came to NA
I had studied yoga, astrology, numerology, and vegetarianism. I was
into New Age philosophy.
When I was doing my second
Fourth and Fifth Steps, I had a powerful awakening when I recognized the
nature of my Higher Power. I came into contact with a Power greater
than myself that manifested itself as love. My experience of this
love was that it consisted and still consists of many facets including
courage, freedom, and compassion. I intuitively knew the name of
my Higher Power: Christ.
It was not like the things
you find in churches; it was an experience of never-ending love.
I had read about this experience; someone had described it as finding out
that his God was “the God of the preachers.” I knew exactly what
he meant.
I felt morally bound to share
my truth with other members of the fellowship. I told them what had
happened to me. I wanted to let other people know what was helping
me and enhancing my recovery.
I began to have difficulties
fitting into the fellowship. When I spoke of my experiences with
my God, other people started confusing their experiences with particular
religions with my own personal understandings.
Many people have had very
negative experiences with organized religion, and they responded to me
with anger and hurt, sometimes being mocking or scoffing, sometimes talking
behind my back.
If I preached from the floor
in an NA meeting, then my fellow NA members were entitled to have some
kind of negative reaction. It is common for anyone first learning
to walk a spiritual path to express their new understandings in a less-than-gracious
way.
One of my biggest fears is
rejection. I have a need to be accepted unconditionally, so any form
of criticism was frightening to me. However, I stayed in the fellowship
and used my faith as I worked the Twelve Steps. Having a belief in
Christ made working the steps solid for me.
I knew to Whom I was praying,
and the experience of surrender was something that was profound.
It is easier to surrender to a Power greater than yourself when you know
what it is and have experienced its power before.
My faith and trust in Christ
made working the Sixth Step easier for me. I know that some members
believe they will never be free of their character defects. However,
we used to think that we would never be able to live without drugs, and
we’re doing that. My faith leads me to believe that I can also live
without my character defects.
I know that I experienced
unreasonable anger for nine years and now I only experience normal levels
of that emotion. I use the example of Christ as a character to imitate.
This power of example is the most important aspect of my experience and
faith.
We say in NA that the power
of example is important; however, I have often been the member with the
most clean time and few peers. I have sought inspiration where I
could find it, inside and outside the fellowship, but find that my greatest
power of example is Christ. I know that I fall short, and I guess
that this means that I have to continue working the Sixth and Seventh Steps.
Some time after my awakening
experience, I found that some of the beliefs attached to Christianity were
difficult for me to embrace. I talked about my faith less and less,
which seemed to reduce the strength of my convictions.
I still wrestle with this
because I have a very strong contact with the profound experience of my
spiritual awakening. I needed to find some way of expressing my own
faith that didn’t cause distress to other people.
I now accept my own experiences
and carry my message in helpful ways. The essence of my spirituality
is love and acceptance. I believe that we are all seeking to understand
and to be understood.
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